


Shouldn't Even Think About It

by theowletqueen (nerdqueenenterprise)



Series: Love Is Not Love Which Alters When It Alteration Finds [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 3rd person, Angst, Character Study, Dean Winchester POV, Death is not Graphic, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Guilty Dean Winchester, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Masturbation, Not Canon Compliant, You Have Been Warned, internalized homophobia/biphobia, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 15:43:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdqueenenterprise/pseuds/theowletqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean knows he likes men, and he also knows he likes Cas more than just platonically.<br/>He also knows that that kind of desire is wrong and he promises himself to never act upon it. When he changes his mind, it's too late.</p><p>YES, THERE /IS/ A MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, AND I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shouldn't Even Think About It

The first time Dean thinks about kissing Cas it's right after the Cage has been opened and Lucifer had risen.

Well, not quite right after, but the next time he sees Cas. He'd never have thought he'd see the angel again after the suicide mission he sent Cas on, so surprise is definitely in order. For him to zoom in on the angel's lips isn't.

 

He isn't gay. Men like him aren't gay. Men like him don't think about kissing other men, even if they just look like men and are infinitely powerful  beings that are older than life.

Men like him like women - pretty waitresses in a diner, flirty secretaries at a police station, the girls you can hook up with for a night and then leave them without even knowing their name, the girls you can measure in the size of their boobs, how well they give head and how prettily they moan. 

And Dean likes women just fine and he doesn't like men. He'd asked his dad about why being gay was bad once, and ... Well, Dean hadn't ever asked again.

 

But sometimes there is a guy with a nice laugh and warm eyes or an attractive body or a cute smile and a flirty wink and Dean can't stop himself from  _wanting_. 

Being gay is disgusting and an insult and the last thing a respectable manly man wants to be associated with and so Dean always kept his mouth shut and his eyes on whatever woman there was in the room and if on occasion he jerked off to the thought of a male body next to him, _touching_  him - well, that's nobody's business. And if he later lay awake with a crippling feeling of deepest regret and disgust and longing - well, that's nobody's business either. And if someone would say there were a few select videos of man-on-man porn (not gay, never gay) hidden in endless folders and sub-folders on his laptop, that was most certainly a lie and Dean would feed that bastard their teeth. And if someone were to comment on his eyes lingering for too long on the tiny bit of lace visible where a girl stretches a bit, it's certainly because Dean can appreciate a girl in some pretty lingerie just like the next guy. 

It's simpler to ignore the truth. It's easier to bottle feelings up and don't talk about them and ignore them until they go away. Men like him don't have feelings, sappy, girly, fluttering hearts and weak knees and butterflies in their stomach because the barista behind the counter had a smile that made the world seem a bit brighter for a few precious seconds.

 

So Dean doesn't think of Cas. Doesn't think about his ridiculously deep rumbling voice, his bright blue eyes, his hair that constantly looks like he had the time of his life last night, the scruff that would doubtlessly scratch when kissing his round lips. And would they be soft? Or as dry as they looked? What kind of body was Cas (or Jimmy) hiding under that bulky trench coat? Were his hands soft or callused like Dean's own?

So when he sees Cas alive after Sam opened the Cage and when he feels the overwhelming urge to kiss the almost robotic, emotionless shell that contains this unexplainable cosmic being, he doesn't.

And a few years down the road, when he wakes up hard and wanting as his alarm clock brutally drags him from a dream where there was a warm body on top of his, a deep voice in his ears and a thoroughly alien feeling between his legs that got him more excited than any lap dance, he lets himself slip up and lets the demons of the week slam him into the nearest concrete wall - well, he deserves that for not being able to stop this freakish infatuation of his. It's disgusting and wrong and he knows that, but he can't stop. 

And when Cas' name escapes him accompanied by a sob in the shower a few days later, Dean leaves Sam in the motel, finds a bar and drinks until he passes out.

 

But he can't ever seem to be able to stop staring at the angel and imagine his fingers in Cas' hair, the angel's lips on the Dean's pulse point and his hands all over his body.

 

So when now human Cas gets hit by a car and is dead instantly and they give him a proper hunter's funeral, Dean can't even hear Sam over the clamor of all the missed opportunities, until his brother says: "He loved you, you know? Had a thousand scenarios of how to come out to you planned, but never said anything because he was too afraid you would reject him. So he'd keep it all inside, bottle it up and tried to forget about it, but he never managed to."

 

It is in this moment that Dean vows to resurrect Cas, no matter at what cost. 

**Author's Note:**

> I AM VERY SORRY!!! 
> 
> But thank you for reading :)
> 
> I might write a second part though, about how Dean gets Cas back? Tell me whether I should~


End file.
